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hello
This happens a lot but including one example below
C: husband asked "where is the bread"
T: i've already told you that this morning
F: irritated
A: my responses thereafter reflect the irritation, sometimes I answer in sass, sometimes I'm silent, other times I verbally highlight how this is something we talked about already earlier
R: he expresses that I am not being understanding, that I'm quick to point out when he forgets things and in turn become more irritated and recycle the above ----> tension and disconnection in relationship
I wish I could catch myself before expressing annoyance with someone forgetting such a trivial thing
ANSWER
Hi there!
Thank you for sharing this incredibly relatable model!
One small but important note: your result is *never* about someone else's actions. Your result is only for you. Your husband said words about your not being understanding because of HIS thought and feelings, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Your ultimate result of tension/disconnection is spot on though, mainly because you are busy in your head proving he is wrong and shouldn't be rather than just being in the actual relationship
C: husband asked "where is the bread"
T: i've already told you that this morning
F: irritated
A: Sometimes answer in sass, sometimes I'm silent, other times I verbally highlight how this is something we talked about already earlier. I'm quick to point out when he forgets things and in turn become more irritated and recycle the above.
R: Tension and disconnection in relationship
Your actions in this model are all coming from REACTING to the feeling. Remember back in month two when we learned that there are four options for us with any given feeling? React, Resist, Avoid or Allow. The piece of golden insight that you brought is that you "wish you could catch yourself before you act" - which is the perfect place to start. In order to do this, you need to notice the feeling without reacting to it. The tricky part is to also not avoid (with distractions) or resist (with willpower) the emotion, but rather allow it. This means feel it with acceptance.
What if it's completely normal to feel irritated in any given relationship a lot of the time?
What if irritation wasn't a problem?
What if irritation itself was actually a portal to presence in any moment? How can this be true for you?
Can you "play" with irritation?
Can you not wish it away, but instead use it to get to know yourself better?